Weekly Horoscope. ( for entertainment purposes only)

Aries (March 21 – April 19): "The Procrastinator-Doer Paradox"

You’ll have a passionate debate about whether cereal is a soup. It will get heated, but don't worry—you'll win. A stranger might compliment your shoes but secretly be envious of your socks. On Thursday, avoid people with clipboards; they sense your vulnerability. Friday brings good fortune, but only if you hum the theme song from Mission: Impossible while doing chores.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): "Snack Break Supreme"

You’ll discover an untapped talent for mimicking car alarms. Use it wisely. A craving for tacos could lead to a culinary adventure involving mystery ingredients. Midweek, a fortune cookie will tell you exactly what you need to hear—if you can figure out what it means. On Sunday, beware of offers too good to be true unless they involve free guacamole.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): "The Multitasking Maestro"

You’ll overhear a conversation about conspiracy theories and realize someone thinks pigeons are government drones. Keep a poker face. Your social life will flourish when you accidentally RSVP “yes” to a party meant for someone else. Stay vigilant; a rubber duck may hold the key to solving an important mystery in your life.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): "The Emotional Sponge"

Your week starts with a minor crisis involving a Tupperware lid that has mysteriously disappeared. Spoiler: It’s in the fridge with leftovers you’ve forgotten about. A stranger’s sneeze will sound suspiciously like your name—don’t overthink it. On Saturday, you’ll become the hero of a group text when you correctly identify an obscure emoji.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): "The Drama Royalty"

This week, you’ll wake up with the unshakable urge to reorganize your spice rack alphabetically. Someone will question your cinnamon placement, but your logic will be flawless. A cryptic text from a friend about "meeting the otter" may lead to a delightful but confusing adventure. On Sunday, an unexpected breeze will give you movie-star hair for approximately five glorious seconds. 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): "The Over Thinker Extraordinaire"

You’ll find yourself meticulously folding napkins at a fast-food restaurant, confusing everyone around you. Someone at work will say, “Let’s touch base,” and you’ll momentarily wish you were on the moon instead. A surprising compliment about your eyebrows will brighten your Thursday. Watch out for rogue shopping carts—they’re plotting something.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): "The Indecision Master"

Your charm is at an all-time high this week. So high, in fact, you might accidentally flirt with your barista and end up with free coffee... and their life story. An online shopping spree will result in a truly unnecessary but utterly delightful purchase. By Saturday, you’ll have perfected the art of the dramatic sigh, earning applause from an onlooker.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): "The Secret Keeper (but for What?)"

You’ll find yourself in an intense staring contest with a cat. Spoiler: The cat wins, but you gain its grudging respect. Midweek, you’ll feel a strange urge to Google “how to survive a zombie apocalypse.” It’s purely hypothetical—probably. A fortune will come your way in the form of loose change found in your couch cushions.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): "The Foot-in-Mouth Specialist"

Your adventurous spirit peaks when you try a bizarre new flavor of potato chips. You’ll instantly regret it, but hey, memories! A random stranger will wave at you, and you’ll awkwardly wave back, only to realize they were greeting someone behind you. Don’t worry; your accidental friendliness will inspire someone nearby.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): "The Workaholic on a Break (But Not Really)"

A missed button on your shirt will spark an existential crisis—but you’ll recover in time to nail a brilliant idea for something as mundane as organizing cables. A suspiciously friendly squirrel may cross your path; give it a nod of respect, but don’t share your snacks. Sunday brings clarity when you realize the answer to all life’s problems is simply “snacks.”

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): "The Eccentric Visionary (with a Plan... Sort of)"

You’ll start the week with a stroke of genius—then forget it when distracted by a TikTok of a raccoon washing cotton candy. Someone will ask for advice, but they’re not ready for your brutally honest (and very witty) truth bombs. Be gentle. On Saturday, a traffic light turning green at the perfect moment will make you feel like the universe has your back.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): "The Daydreamer Supreme"

Your artistic side emerges when you accidentally spill coffee and see it as “abstract latte art.” Someone will compliment your creative energy, and you’ll consider taking up watercolor painting for approximately three hours. Later in the week, you’ll see a cloud shaped like a giraffe and feel like it’s a personal sign. You’re not wrong