Weekly Horoscope. ( for entertainment purposes only)

Aries (March 21 – April 19): "The Procrastinator-Doer Paradox"

This week, your natural charisma reaches godlike levels. People will follow you into battle—whether it’s a real argument or just an intense board game. Your leadership skills are so on point, your barista may start calling you "General Macchiato." Tuesday, you’ll have an idea so brilliant that it could change the world (or at least get you out of an awkward conversation).

 Beware of mid-week, when you might try to race someone who didn’t know they were competing. Friday, the universe grants you the stamina of a caffeinated squirrel. Use it wisely.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): "Snack Break Supreme"

This week, your talent for comfort reaches Olympic levels. You could be crowned Emperor of Cozy, ruling from a throne of blankets and snacks. Expect people to seek your wisdom, mainly because you have the best snacks. On Wednesday, a minor inconvenience will try to disrupt your chill, but you’ll overcome it with the sheer force of ignoring it.

 The weekend is ideal for treating yourself to something luxurious—because, let’s be real, you deserve it.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): "The Multitasking Maestro"

Your social skills are peaking this week—everyone is enchanted by your sparkling wit, even in a grocery store checkout line. Expect at least three people to call you a genius before Friday, and one of them might be your mirror reflection. On Thursday, you’ll forget an important detail, but you’ll talk your way out of it so smoothly that no one will notice. 

By Sunday, your brain will be so overloaded with ideas that you might accidentally invent time travel.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): "The Emotional Sponge"

Your emotional wisdom is at an all-time high. This week, people will flock to you for advice, mostly because you give the best hugs and nod thoughtfully like a wise guru. Monday, you might cry at a commercial, but it’s okay—it was a masterpiece. 

By Friday, your intuition will be so sharp that you’ll predict what someone’s about to say before they say it (which could freak them out, so use it wisely).

Leo (July 23 – August 22): "The Drama Royalty"

Congratulations! You are, once again, the star of the show. Even when you’re doing absolutely nothing, people will still be fascinated by you. This week, someone will compliment you in a way so specific and grand that it will go straight to your list of favorite memories. Midweek, you may feel the need to remind people that, yes, you are this amazing naturally. 

The weekend is perfect for dramatic entrances and reminding the world why it should be grateful for your existence.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): "The Over Thinker Extraordinaire"

You’re on top of your game this week, and your to-do list has never looked so terrified. Productivity levels are soaring, and people will marvel at your ability to fix things they didn’t even know were broken. Midweek, you’ll have the rare opportunity to say, “I told you so,” and it will feel glorious. 

Saturday, someone will ask for your advice, and you’ll deliver wisdom so powerful they may name a street after you.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): "The Indecision Master"

Your charm levels are off the charts, and this week, you might accidentally start a fan club without realizing it. Your social skills are so polished that even a statue will want to befriend you. Expect someone to compliment your impeccable style, even if you just threw something on. 

Midweek, you may have to make a decision, which will be mildly terrifying, but rest assured: you’ll pick the most aesthetically pleasing option.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): "The Secret Keeper (but for What?)"

Your mysterious aura is at maximum intensity this week—people are intrigued, slightly intimidated, and 100% convinced you know something they don’t. Expect dramatic stares and hushed whispers as you enter rooms. By midweek, your ability to keep secrets will be tested, but don’t worry—you never reveal anything unless it’s part of your plan.

The weekend is perfect for an intense conversation that leaves someone questioning their entire existence.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): "The Foot-in-Mouth Specialist"

Adventure is calling, and you’re ready to answer! This week, even mundane tasks will turn into epic quests. Grocery shopping? You’re basically Indiana Jones in the cereal aisle. A spontaneous trip may present itself, and honestly, you should say yes. Midweek, you’ll come up with a life-changing philosophy, but forget it ten minutes later. 

Saturday, someone will try to lecture you about responsibility, and you’ll distract them with a well-timed joke.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): "The Workaholic on a Break (But Not Really)"

You’re basically a business mogul this week, even if your only business is avoiding small talk. Your work ethic is legendary, and by Wednesday, someone will say, “How do you do it?” as they watch in awe. Midweek, your patience will be tested by someone who clearly didn’t read the instructions, but you’ll handle it with your signature “I’m too competent for this” expression.

By Sunday, you’ll finally relax—and probably plan out next week’s success while doing it.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): "The Eccentric Visionary (with a Plan... Sort of)"

Your brain is working on another level this week—possibly intergalactic. Expect at least one idea so groundbreaking that you’ll briefly consider running for president. Midweek, you’ll have a conversation so deep that someone will leave questioning reality. A small rebellion may be necessary on Friday—whether it’s against authority or just the idea of wearing matching socks. 

The weekend is perfect for engaging in a weird hobby that no one understands but secretly envies.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): "The Daydreamer Supreme"

Your imagination is running wild, and honestly, the rest of the world is struggling to keep up. This week, you might accidentally predict the future in a dream—if you see lottery numbers, write them down. Midweek, someone will call you “too nice,” but joke’s on them: your kindness is a strategic power move. 

Saturday, you’ll give someone advice so poetic they’ll assume you’ve been reading ancient scrolls.