Weekly Horoscope. ( for entertainment purposes only)

Aries (March 21 – April 19): "The Procrastinator-Doer Paradox"

You're feeling like a firecracker in a popcorn machine this week, Aries—bouncing off tasks, people, and your own misplaced confidence. You may find yourself passionately debating whether tacos are sandwiches (they’re not, but go off). Midweek, expect someone to question your authority in a group chat—resist the urge to reply with only a meme. Your impulsive nature could lead you to buy something unnecessary, like a solar-powered foot warmer or an inflatable hot tub shaped like a banana.

Life Tip: Just because it says “limited edition” doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. That includes tattoo coupons.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): "Snack Break Supreme"

You're stubbornly clinging to your comfort zone like a cat to a sunbeam. While that’s charming, the universe is nudging you—actually, shoving you—toward adventure. Maybe it’s time to say “yes” to that weird yoga class, or finally text back the person who sent you a cryptic emoji weeks ago. Financially, beware a “can’t-miss” opportunity that sounds like a cross between an MLM and a moon cult.

Life Tip: If someone tries to sell you a crystal that “aligns your bank account,” run. Or at least ask for a receipt.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): "The Multitasking Maestro"

You’re juggling more roles than a Netflix actor. One moment you're a motivational speaker, the next you’re ghosting a group project like it's an ex. Mercury is stirring the pot, so don't be surprised if you accidentally text the wrong person—double check before hitting send, especially if it involves sarcasm, secrets, or screenshots.

Life Tip: Always assume your phone is listening—and your group chats are not safe spaces.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): "The Emotional Sponge"

You’re more emotionally charged than a toddler after three juice boxes. This week brings drama—but don’t worry, it’s the good kind. You’ll be everyone’s go-to confidant, but don’t forget to protect your peace. A surprise message from an ex, coworker, or someone who thinks you still like group hikes may send your emotions into interpretive dance mode. You’ll want to retreat into your shell, but don’t—your glow is peeking out, and people are noticing.

Life Tip: You don’t have to answer every emotional text with a novel. Sometimes a shrug emoji and “lol idk” work just fine.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): "The Drama Royalty"

You’re basically main-character energy in human form this week. People will either adore you or wish they were wearing sunglasses indoors to block your shine. Either way, own it. You might feel tempted to one-up someone’s vacation story with your “near-death hot air balloon experience”—but try to keep the humblebrag dial below 11. Expect compliments, maybe even applause, but remember: not every moment requires a dramatic exit.

Life Tip: If you bring your own spotlight, at least make sure it’s LED and energy efficient.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): "The Over Thinker Extraordinaire"

This week your inner neat freak is battling the chaos of other humans. Stay strong. You’ll be tempted to reorganize someone’s spice rack, hard drive, or entire personality. Resist. Let the mess teach you patience. A strange craving for pineapple pizza or an online course in “underwater meditation” might distract you—embrace it. The universe is trying to show you that not every spreadsheet needs a pivot table.

Life Tip: You can’t fix everyone. But you can alphabetize their problems for them. Silently.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): "The Indecision Master"

You’ll spend a lot of time deciding between two things this week: pancakes or waffles, love or solitude, Netflix or literally anything else. Decisions won’t come easy, but that’s because you’re trying to keep everyone happy—including your houseplants. Spoiler: your peace matters more. You may also flirt with the idea of dyeing your hair neon green or starting a podcast. Maybe do both?

Life Tip: You don’t need a poll or a group chat vote to pick a sandwich. Follow your gut—and then blame it if you’re wrong.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): "The Secret Keeper (but for What?)"

This week, you’ve got secret agent energy. Mysterious texts? Check. Intense stares across the room? Double check. You’re giving off vibes that say, “I know something you don’t,” even if that something is just where you hid the last cookie. A plot twist is coming—maybe in love, maybe in your browser history. Either way, don’t let your inner drama director take over unless you’re truly ready for the third act betrayal reveal.

Life Tip: If you’re going to stalk someone online, at least make sure your camera’s off and your fingers aren’t sending likes from 2014.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): "The Foot-in-Mouth Specialist"

You’re running at full speed toward something this week—could be a dream, could be a sale on camping gear. Either way, take a second to check your shoelaces and your calendar. You’ll get an urge to “find yourself,” which may involve renting a kayak or impulsively messaging your old philosophy professor. Your charm is magnetic right now—use it wisely, not just to get out of parking tickets or meetings.

Life Tip: Freedom is great, but sometimes freedom means remembering where you put your wallet before heading on a road trip.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): "The Workaholic on a Break (But Not Really)"

This week you’re the CEO of Getting Things Done™—but also the unpaid intern of Forgetting to Rest. Everyone wants a piece of you, but you can’t pour from an empty coffee mug, especially if it's chipped and says “World’s Okayest Adult.” Try not to take on every task like it’s a personal mission from the universe. Let people figure some things out without you—yes, even if it hurts your soul to watch.

Life Tip: Delegation isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a gift you give to others. Like taxes, but more helpful.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): "The Eccentric Visionary (with a Plan... Sort of)"

You're thinking ten steps ahead while the world is still struggling to tie its shoes. Visionary vibes are strong, but so is your tendency to forget birthdays, food in the microwave, or where your keys are (they’re in the fridge again). Expect to have a weird dream that feels suspiciously like a message from the universe or your dentist. Share your wild ideas this week—someone’s actually listening.

Life Tip: Not everything needs to be a revolution. Sometimes it’s okay to just join the Zoom call on time.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): "The Daydreamer Supreme"

You’re basically a walking poem right now—emotional, intuitive, and vaguely craving noodles at all hours. This week will stir your creative juices, but also make you prone to zoning out mid-conversation and answering with, “Sorry, I was talking to the moon.” People love your dreamy nature, but don’t let it pull you too far from your to-do list (or your laundry). Expect a strange encounter involving a pigeon, a guitar, or an elderly person who calls you “champ.”

Life Tip: Daydream big, but maybe set an alarm before you start manifesting on the bus.