Weekly Horoscope. ( for entertainment purposes only)

Aries (March 21 – April 19): "The Procrastinator-Doer Paradox"

You’re entering a week where your “Act First, Apologize Later” strategy finally hits a snag—specifically, someone’s backyard inflatable pool you accidentally flattened while chasing a runaway taco truck. Expect chaos at work, too. You’ll try to fix the printer with nothing but determination and duct tape. It won’t work, but you’ll feel oddly heroic. Emotionally, you're craving connection, but don’t text your ex just because Mercury made you feel nostalgic and Netflix removed your comfort show. Stay grounded. Literally. You’re clumsy this week.

Life Tip: Never trust a taco that comes with a waiver.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): "Snack Break Supreme"

You’ll spend this week in pursuit of the perfect snack. Your soul demands something crunchy, cheesy, and maybe existential. You’ll attempt to recreate a childhood comfort dish, only to realize your taste buds grew up and became judgy food critics. Romance-wise, someone notices your impressive ability to remain calm while your coffee lid pops off in slow-motion horror. Financially, the stars encourage budgeting—stop treating every “Buy 1 Get 17 Free” deal as a moral obligation.

Life Tip: You don’t need to refrigerate everything. Stop putting batteries in the fridge.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): "The Multitasking Maestro"

You’ll start three projects, five conversations, and twelve inner debates before breakfast on Tuesday. It’s your time to shine—but only if you actually finish something. A random conversation might lead to an exciting opportunity (or at least a free donut). Avoid multitasking while walking, talking, and ordering a burrito. You’ll confuse the barista and end up with a burrito named “Alexa, send email.”

Life Tip: Slow down. Even squirrels take breaks. Probably. Nobody’s followed one all day.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): "The Emotional Sponge"

This week you’re one misplaced sock away from a full emotional TED Talk. Your mood will bounce between sentimental and “throw the whole phone away.” The Moon’s doing weird stuff in your feelings sector, which means you’ll cry at cereal commercials and want to hug a tree (but only if no one’s watching). Social plans go haywire, but you'll bond with someone over mutual hatred for loud group chats. Romance is a little spicy—someone is eyeing your playlist and thinking, “This person has layers.”

Life Tip: If you ever feel lost, just Google yourself and pretend you’re famous.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): "The Drama Royalty"

You're absolutely radiating main character energy this week—and it's a full-on musical. You’ll enter rooms like they’re runways and make dramatic declarations like, “I shall conquer this spreadsheet!” Small victories (like untangling your headphones) will feel Oscar-worthy. Just avoid picking fights with anyone holding a clipboard—they hold mysterious power. Friends may accuse you of being a little “extra,” but you know life is your stage, and you look great under the metaphorical spotlight.

Life Tip: Your Wi-Fi isn’t slow, your patience is. Breathe. Then yell at the modem.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): "The Over Thinker Extraordinaire"

Virgo, your inner perfectionist is trying to alphabetize your spice rack again—but the universe has other plans. Like sudden Wi-Fi outages, lost receipts, and conversations with people who say “irregardless.” You’ll find joy this week in tiny rebellions: leaving dishes overnight, using Comic Sans ironically, or wearing mismatched socks on purpose. Romance may surprise you, especially if someone compliments your penmanship (yes, that’s a thing).

Life Tip: Overthinking burns zero calories. Let it go, Elsa.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): "The Indecision Master"

You’ll spend this week balancing options like a magician spinning plates. Should you commit? Flirt? Ghost? Start a vegan candle business? The stars say: maybe. People find your indecision oddly charming right now, but even you know you can’t keep replying to texts with “lol what do you think?” Trust your gut—it’s wiser than your group chat. And flirt responsibly: someone out there is crushing on your laugh-cry emoji game.

Life Tip: Not every decision needs a pro/con spreadsheet. Sometimes just pick the waffle.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): "The Secret Keeper (but for What?)"

This week you're an emotional ninja—deep, mysterious, and possibly plotting revenge over a borrowed pen. Your vibes are magnetic, but so is your suspicion. Chill. Not everyone is out to get you. Just most. OK, kidding. Your passion makes you excellent at karaoke, arguing, and binge-watching documentaries you pretend you’re not obsessed with. Someone flirty might challenge you—try not to turn it into a psychological chess match.

Life Tip: It's not paranoia if your plant really is dying from neglect. Water it.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): "The Foot-in-Mouth Specialist"

You're feeling wild, free, and like you might spontaneously book a trip or adopt a llama. Big explorer energy. This week is about adventure—maybe not skydiving, but definitely rearranging your living room like it’s a travel documentary set. Expect wild conversations, bizarre dreams, and at least one moment where you quote a philosopher at a pizza place. Romance-wise, someone’s vibing with your untamed enthusiasm.

Life Tip: Life is short. Order dessert. Even if it comes before dinner.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): "The Workaholic on a Break (But Not Really)"

Work mode: activated. Productivity: unstoppable. But your inner rebel? Secretly fantasizing about a nap behind the copier. You’re getting stuff done, but don’t turn into a spreadsheet zombie. The stars urge balance. Romance is a surprise plot twist—someone might be crushing on your ambition and accidental dry wit. Don’t be afraid to show your goofy side; people love seeing that beneath your “I’m fine” Excel-face is a marshmallow with a to-do list.

Life Tip: If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success as “trying.”

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): "The Eccentric Visionary (with a Plan... Sort of)"

This week, you're an idea machine, bursting with new theories, dreams, and possibly a plan to revolutionize laundry folding. Friends will marvel at your creativity, though some may secretly fear you’ll drag them into an experimental theater project. Conversations go deep. Like, alien-language deep. But people love your weirdness, and someone might just say, “You’re like a human plot twist.” Embrace it.

Life Tip: Wearing sunglasses indoors doesn’t make you mysterious—it makes you bump into furniture.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): "The Daydreamer Supreme"

Pisces, your intuition is dialed up to 11 this week. You’ll know who’s lying, who’s in love, and which avocado is just right. You’ll feel pulled toward art, naps, and bubble baths—but try to do at least one responsible thing before turning into a dreamy puddle. Romance is poetic. Someone might send you a song, a meme, or a subtle “Hey, wanna vibe?” Be open.

Life Tip: If you hear your name whispered and no one’s around, either trust your instincts—or check the carbon monoxide detector.