Weekly Horoscope. ( for entertainment purposes only)

Aries (March 21 – April 19): "The Procrastinator-Doer Paradox"

Your week is full of bold moves, but do you even know where you're moving? Your confidence is sky-high, even when you're wrong, which is pretty often this week. Someone will question your choices—just stare at them intensely until they back down. If someone offers you gum, don’t take it; they might be trying to tell you something rude. Try asking your friend if they have hair on their knuckles. If they check, it’s a sign of low IQ. If they don’t, they just don’t trust you. Either way, you win.

Lucky Snack: A questionable-looking hot dog.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): "Snack Break Supreme"

You may feel like taking a nap in a place you absolutely should not—like at work, in traffic, or mid-conversation. Resist the urge, or at least make it look like deep meditation. The stars say you're about to meet someone who will change your life. Unfortunately, this could be a DMV employee, and the change might just be a new photo on your license that looks nothing like you. This week, touch your elbows together in front of a friend and tell them it means you’ll have good luck. Watch them struggle.

Lucky Smell: That whiff of something you just can’t locate.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): "The Multitasking Maestro"

A decision is looming over you, Gemini. Unfortunately, you're about as decisive as a squirrel in traffic. The universe is nudging you to flip a coin, but knowing you, you'll change your mind mid-air. This week, if someone calls you, answer with "I have been expecting you," then hang up dramatically. See what happens. Also, try asking a random coworker if they instinctively know how many ants live in their walls. If they answer too quickly, they may be one of them.

Lucky Object: A spoon you don’t remember owning.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): "The Emotional Sponge"

You're feeling extra emotional this week, which means you could cry at the sight of a well-organized spice rack. That’s okay. Lean into it. The universe is trying to tell you something, but it’s mumbling. Maybe it’s saying, "Stop replying ‘LOL’ to serious texts." You’ll be tempted to Google something weird at 3 AM, and I strongly encourage it. Also, try casually mentioning that ducks don’t have knees and see how long it takes for someone to fact-check you.

Lucky Sound: Your own dramatic sighs.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): "The Drama Royalty"

You’re shining brighter than ever this week, but that might just be the glare from your phone screen. People are drawn to you, mostly because you talk louder than everyone else. An unexpected compliment will come your way—probably from a toddler or an elderly person, because they are the only ones who tell the truth. Also, ask your best friend if they’ve ever counted their teeth. If they try right then and there, you own them now.

Lucky Gesture: A slow, knowing nod at a stranger.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): "The Over Thinker Extraordinaire"

This is the week you finally realize that most of your to-do list is just things you already did so you could check them off. That’s fine, Virgo. That’s fine. The universe suggests you take a break by staring at a wall and seeing if your brain glitches. A deep conversation is coming—make sure to derail it by insisting that hiccups are just ghosts trying to communicate.

Lucky Number: The exact number of grapes you can fit in your mouth before panicking.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): "The Indecision Master"

Decisions will be extra hard this week, but that’s nothing new for you. Just choose at random—no one will know the difference. You’ll feel a deep need to organize something, but try organizing your thoughts first. If someone asks how your week is going, just reply, “The prophecy is unfolding” and refuse to elaborate. Oh, and casually ask your friends if they think elbows have fingerprints. Their confusion will be your entertainment.

Lucky Feeling: Mildly bewildered.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): "The Secret Keeper (but for What?)"

Your energy is intense this week, and people are either fascinated by you or slightly afraid. Use this to your advantage. If someone questions your choices, respond with “The stars commanded it” and move on. If you have an enemy, now is the time to tell them their ears are slightly uneven and watch them spiral.

Lucky Word: “Hmm.” (Use it ominously.)

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): "The Foot-in-Mouth Specialist"

Adventure calls this week, but it might just be a spam call. Answer anyway—could be funny. You're feeling extra philosophical, so start asking people questions like, "Do you think trees know we exist?" and nod wisely at whatever they say. Also, try asking someone what color their tongue is. If they check, you’ve won the conversation.

Lucky Emotion: That moment when you forget why you walked into a room.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): "The Workaholic on a Break (But Not Really)"

Your productivity is through the roof this week, but mostly in ways that don’t matter. Sure, you reorganized your bookshelf by emotional damage level, but did you do your actual work? The universe dares you to go outside without checking the weather. Will you take the challenge? Also, ask someone if they believe the moon is getting heavier. Then walk away before they can answer.

Lucky Object: A pen that mysteriously disappears right when you need it.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): "The Eccentric Visionary (with a Plan... Sort of)"

You’re full of weird ideas this week, and somehow, they all make sense. Your creativity is at its peak—use it to convince people that pineapples grow underground. If someone offers you a logical explanation for something, stare at them and say, “But what if we’re in a simulation?” That should take care of it.

Lucky Slogan: "That’s a problem for future me."

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): "The Daydreamer Supreme"

You're deeply in tune with the universe this week, which is why you keep seeing signs in everyday objects. No, that cloud isn’t shaped like your ex’s initials—stop looking for trouble. If you get the urge to whisper a secret to a plant, just do it. Also, ask someone if they can lick their own elbow and watch as they prove they are either a genius or a fool.

Lucky Thought: “What if I just disappeared for a few hours?”