Weekly Horoscope. ( for entertainment purposes only)

Aries (March 21 – April 19): "The Procrastinator-Doer Paradox"

“Charge First, Regret Later” This week, your impulsive energy is at an all-time high. You’ll attempt to fix a broken toaster with a hammer, challenge your boss to a push-up contest, and accidentally sign up for a goat yoga retreat thinking it was a networking event. Your confidence is admirable, but maybe—just maybe—pause before you leap into battle with the printer. Mercury is in retro-sass, so your emails may autocorrect “best regards” to “bite me.” Lean into it.

Life Tip: Before you start something new, ask yourself: “Is this a good idea, or am I just bored?” If it’s the latter, go for a walk instead of launching a startup based on glow-in-the-dark soup.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): "Snack Break Supreme"

“Luxury or Bust” You’re craving comfort like a raccoon craves shiny objects. This week, you’ll spend 45 minutes choosing the perfect throw pillow, only to realize you’ve emotionally bonded with it. Your fridge becomes a shrine to artisanal cheeses, and you’ll ghost three people because they suggested instant coffee. Venus is vibing in your zone of indulgence, so expect to fall in love with a velvet bathrobe and call it “my emotional support textile.”

Life Tip: Splurge on quality, but don’t confuse luxury with happiness. Sometimes the best comfort is a clean room and a good nap—not a $300 candle that smells like existential dread.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): "The Multitasking Maestro"

“Chaos Is My Love Language” Your brain is juggling 17 tabs, 3 group chats, and a conspiracy theory about squirrels controlling the stock market. This week, you’ll start a podcast, ghost your own co-host, and then rebrand as a “digital nomad” after getting kicked out of a coworking space for excessive interpretive dance. Mars is poking your social sector, so expect spicy debates and spontaneous karaoke battles.

Life Tip: You don’t need to finish everything you start—but maybe finish one thing. Just one. Even if it’s a sandwich. Completion is sexy.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): "The Emotional Sponge"

“Feelings, But Make It Dramatic” You’re in your feels, and this week they come with a soundtrack. You’ll cry at a commercial for dish soap, write a poem about your cat’s paw pads, and consider texting your ex just to say “I forgive you for ruining my birthday in 2016.” The moon is doing backflips in your emotional sector, so expect mood swings with the elegance of a figure skater.

Life Tip: Feel deeply, but don’t drown in the nostalgia pool. Set boundaries like they’re velvet ropes at an exclusive club. Not everyone gets VIP access to your heart.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): "The Drama Royalty"

“Main Character Energy” You’re radiating charisma like a disco ball in a blackout. This week, you’ll give a TED Talk in the mirror, flirt with a barista using Shakespearean insults, and demand a standing ovation for parallel parking. The sun is in your house of drama, so lean into your theatrical instincts—but maybe don’t monologue during a Zoom meeting.

Life Tip: Confidence is magnetic, but humility is the secret sauce. Let someone else have the spotlight for five minutes. You’ll still be the star—they’ll just think it was their idea.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): "The Over Thinker Extraordinaire"

“Control Freak Chic” You’re organizing your sock drawer by emotional trauma and color-coded your calendar down to bathroom breaks. This week, you’ll attempt to optimize your sleep cycle using spreadsheets and accidentally gaslight your houseplants into growing faster. Mercury is sharpening your logic, but don’t let perfectionism turn you into a tyrant with a label maker.

Life Tip: Done is better than perfect. Let the crumbs fall where they may—unless they’re on your keyboard. Then yes, vacuum immediately.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): "The Indecision Master"

“Indecision, But Make It Fashion” This week, you’ll spend three hours choosing between two identical shirts, then leave the house in a bathrobe because “it felt authentic.” Your charm is off the charts, but so is your inability to say no to brunch invites. Venus is lounging in your aesthetic zone, so expect compliments, passive-aggressive texts, and a sudden urge to rearrange your furniture based on vibes alone.

Life Tip: Stop crowdsourcing your decisions. Flip a coin, trust your gut, or just pick the thing that doesn’t require a return label. Inner peace isn’t found in the group chat. 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): "The Secret Keeper (but for What?)"

“Mystery, Mood Swings, and Mild Chaos” You’re giving off “secret agent who moonlights as a poet” energy. This week, you’ll ghost someone mid-conversation, decode a stranger’s trauma from their Spotify playlist, and stare dramatically out a window during a thunderstorm. Mars is stirring your intensity pot, so expect spicy confrontations and seductive power moves—possibly involving spreadsheets.

Life Tip: Vulnerability isn’t weakness. Try saying “I’m upset” instead of “I’m fine” while plotting emotional revenge via Instagram story.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): "The Foot-in-Mouth Specialist"

“Wanderlust with Wi-Fi” You’re craving adventure, but also need a charger. This week, you’ll book a spontaneous trip to a town you can’t pronounce, flirt with a philosophy major, and consider starting a cult based on optimism and oat milk. Jupiter is hyping your expansion zone, so expect big ideas, questionable tattoos, and a sudden desire to learn Mongolian throat singing.

Life Tip: Freedom is great, but commitment builds legacy. Choose one thing to stick with this week—even if it’s just flossing.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): "The Workaholic on a Break (But Not Really)"

“CEO of Existential Dread” You’re grinding harder than a coffee bean in a startup incubator. This week, you’ll schedule a meeting with yourself, critique your own performance review, and try to monetize your childhood trauma. Saturn is flexing in your ambition zone, so expect productivity spikes, emotional suppression, and a sudden urge to alphabetize your regrets.

Life Tip: Rest isn’t laziness. Take a break before your soul files an HR complaint.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): "The Eccentric Visionary (with a Plan... Sort of)"

“Rebel With a Wi-Fi Password” You’re vibing on a frequency only dolphins and conspiracy theorists can hear. This week, you’ll invent a new language, argue with a chatbot about ethics, and start a protest against socks. Uranus is glitching in your innovation zone, so expect genius ideas, social detachment, and a sudden obsession with biodegradable glitter.

Life Tip: Being different is cool. Being understood is cooler. Let someone in—just one person. Preferably not your sourdough starter.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): "The Daydreamer Supreme"

“Dreams, Delusions, and DIY Spirituality” You’re floating through life like a mystical jellyfish. This week, you’ll meditate in a bathtub, fall in love with a cloud, and write a screenplay based on your dreams (spoiler: it’s just fish talking about taxes). Neptune is fogging up your reality lens, so expect psychic downloads, emotional whirlpools, and a sudden urge to buy crystals shaped like frogs.

Life Tip: Ground yourself. Not everything is a sign. Sometimes it’s just a weird coincidence and a broken streetlight.

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