Weekly Horoscope. ( for entertainment purposes only)

Aries (March 21 – April 19): "The Procrastinator-Doer Paradox"

You’re on fire this week, Aries — in the way a toaster is on fire because someone shoved cheese in it. You want to do it all: shop, travel, confront your boss about that “funny” email they forwarded. Mars is egging you on, but Mercury is sitting back like, “Really? This again?” Midweek, you’ll feel a surge of confidence followed by a suspicious bank alert. Don’t panic — it’s just your inner impulse buyer. You’ll emerge stronger, or at least slightly more skeptical of online deals that say “LIMITED TIME BUT LASTS FOREVER.”

Funny money-saving tip: Forget overpriced imported soap — you’re at war now, comrade. Time to embrace “DIY Laundry Rock”: a stone from your yard, lovingly rubbed with dish soap and a strong belief in character development. Your ancestors didn’t pay $14.99 for exfoliation and neither should you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): "Snack Break Supreme"

Taurus, your week starts slow, like a dial-up modem in a thunderstorm. But by Wednesday, you’ll feel a jolt of motivation (possibly coffee-related) that propels you into productivity mode. People might accuse you of “acting weird” just because you vacuumed the car and responded to emails. Let ‘em. Your determination will pay off — especially if it’s in store-brand coupons. This is a good time to tie up loose ends, especially the metaphorical ones, like that weird hobby you started in 2019 involving beeswax and string.

Funny money-saving tip: Can’t afford imported snacks due to rising tariffs? Say hello to “Domestic Delicacies Night.” Rebrand saltines as “Midwestern Tapas,” pair them with ketchup dots and a single cheese cube. Instagram it. Profit from irony.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): "The Multitasking Maestro"

You’re zipping from one idea to another faster than a conspiracy theory thread. Monday: you’re writing a novel. Tuesday: making soap. Wednesday: full existential spiral. Classic Gemini. But don’t worry — the stars say you’re actually getting things half-done, which is a win in your book. Communication is your superpower this week, so use it to charm, persuade, or casually ask friends if you can “borrow” their streaming passwords again.

Funny money-saving tip: Instead of buying expensive name-brand cereal, pour store-brand flakes into a designer box and serve with exaggerated confidence. “It’s a limited edition Parisian crunch, Chad. You wouldn’t get it.”

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): "The Emotional Sponge"

This week has big “we need to talk” energy, but relax — it’s not a breakup. It’s your fridge confronting you about the expired hummus. Cancer, your nurturing nature is in overdrive, and you may find yourself becoming the go-to therapist for everyone around you. Just remember, emotional labor doesn’t count toward rent. Prioritize you by treating yourself to something nice — like five minutes alone in your car with a doughnut. Bliss.

Funny money-saving tip: Start bottling your own tears and label it “Artisan Mineral Water.” Sell it at pop-up markets. Use phrases like “locally sourced” and “emotionally harvested.”

Leo (July 23 – August 22): "The Drama Royalty"

Leo, you’ve got more drama than a soap opera set in a haunted Ikea. But this week, it works for you. Your charisma is cranked to 11 and people are taking notice — especially the barista who now draws hearts instead of smiley faces in your foam. Strut your stuff, but don’t forget to listen to people occasionally. Like, just once. It’ll throw them off in a fun way.

Funny money-saving tip: Refuse to pay for overpriced pet toys. Fashion elegant chewables from items in your “junk drawer” (aka The Drawer of Destiny). Just… maybe leave the expired batteries out.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): "The Over Thinker Extraordinaire"

Virgo, you’re usually the one holding it together — the human spreadsheet, the walking to-do list. But this week, you might gasp lose track of something. Like your sense of perfectionism. Let it go. Burnout is not a badge of honor. Take a nap in the name of emotional ROI. A friend might ask you to “just wing it” on something. Take a deep breath and pretend you’re not dying inside. You’ll live.

Funny money-saving tip: Tired of high import prices? Make your own “European spa experience” at home using cucumbers, lukewarm tap water, and a damp towel. Whisper “bonjour” to yourself and weep softly. You fancy now.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): "The Indecision Master"

Libra, you’re in full charm mode this week, like a used car salesman who actually means well. You’re balancing social obligations like a tightrope walker at a wedding, a birthday party, and a “mandatory fun” work event all at once. Decision-making may feel impossible (again), but here’s a tip: if you flip a coin and feel disappointed, go with the other option. Cosmic cheat code. Harmony is possible — just maybe not in your group chat.

Funny money-saving tip: Can’t afford imported beauty products? Mix flour, honey, and blind hope into a face mask. Tell friends it’s “an ancient Eastern European exfoliant rediscovered on a scroll behind a radiator.” Bonus points if you wear a robe.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): "The Secret Keeper (but for What?)"

Scorpio, this week your aura says “mysterious seductress” but your browser history says “can raccoons feel guilt?” It’s a great time for deep thoughts, shadow work, and possibly deleting those texts you never sent. Your intensity is magnetic — just try not to glare at someone when they take the last muffin. People may assume you’re plotting something (you are), so why not lean in and start casually mentioning "phase two" of your plan in conversations?

Funny money-saving tip: Create your own energy drink by whispering affirmations into tap water and chilling it overnight on a stack of self-help books. Sell it as “Moon-Charged Hydration Elixir.” Markup: 900%.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): "The Foot-in-Mouth Specialist"

Adventure is calling, Sag — but so is your credit card company. This week you’ll feel restless, spontaneous, and maybe like booking a flight to somewhere you've never heard of. Don’t. At least not until after your horoscope. Channel your wanderlust into exploring new hobbies or rearranging your furniture like it’s a travel experience. Bonus: your coffee table gets to be “the new Berlin.” Try not to accidentally start a side hustle by Thursday. Or do.

Funny money-saving tip: Host “international dinners” with food entirely sourced from your pantry. Canned corn? Midwest Night. Three packs of ramen? Tokyo Tuesday. Hot sauce and crackers? Welcome to Budget Mexico.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): "The Workaholic on a Break (But Not Really)"

Cap, you’re in full boss mode. But like, in a “reorganizing your spice rack alphabetically” kind of way. Your efficiency is unmatched, but the universe is throwing in some curveballs — especially involving slow Wi-Fi and people who say “circle back” unironically. Stay calm. Your stoic face is terrifying enough to keep people in line. Just remember: productivity doesn’t count if your soul is screaming. Go outside. Touch grass. Or at least something not work-related.

Funny money-saving tip: Make your own luxury cleaning wipes by soaking paper towels in vinegar, citrus peels, and silent resentment. Market it as “Eco-Fury: rage-fueled freshness.”

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): "The Eccentric Visionary (with a Plan... Sort of)"

This week you’re radiating quirky genius vibes. People are either inspired or deeply confused. You’ll get weird ideas, and guess what? One of them actually might work. Run with it. Just remember that not everyone wants to hear your 10-minute speech about why toasters should have Bluetooth. Thursday’s a good day to start something new — like a podcast, a basement mural, or a revenge novel.

Funny money-saving tip: Invent your own cryptocurrency and try to convince friends it’s the next big thing. “BroCoin: powered by friendship and expired gift cards.”

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): "The Daydreamer Supreme"

Pisces, your emotions are playing the full box set of soap opera scenes this week, but your intuition is next-level. Dreams may be vivid. Signs will be everywhere. That cloud? Totally shaped like a dolphin. That street sign? Clearly a message from the universe. Creative energy is off the charts, so paint, write, or knit a blanket from existential dread. Just don’t ghost your responsibilities too hard — they know where you live.

Funny money-saving tip: Start selling your “emotional readings” at parties. Just stare into someone’s eyes and say, “You’ve been… feeling things lately.” Nailed it. Tip jar = full.